I’m Not Okay

Because I still hold anger in my heart and the anger I hold is for two different men in my life that share the same name.

One being my father.

He’s a trumper (despite trump being a twice-impeached private citizen now) who is apparently starting the “patriotic party”. He’s a person that not only participated in January 6th’s insurrection (he only went to the Colorado capital, but still) and bragged about abusing another human being BUT he also has hurt me (emotionally) in so many damn ways that I’m writing an entire book about everything he’s done to me and other family members, now. For my own mental health.

I hate that I’m his daughter. But I’m glad to married and have a different last name because my maiden name leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

Not only did he treat me like shit but he treated my mom his other ex-wife, his ex-girlfriends and my brothers like shit. He preached to me for 11 years about doing the right thing. About being positive and nice. About helping others out.

And then he had a bad accident 16 days after my 11th birthday that made him worse than ever. And as the years have gone on, he became more evil. More hateful. More hurtful.

I want to leave him in my past but it is hard because he keeps popping up in my life and he hurts me continuously.

He wrote in my own mental health group on Facebook, yesterday, some nasty and evil things. Those things hurt. Not exactly because of WHAT he said (he’s a crazy alcoholic) but because they were such negative, nasty things said in a group he knew I created for mental health. Including MY OWN mental health.

My dad does not care about me. And I don’t think he really ever did. (I will elaborate on this in my book.)

The second is my son’s dad.

The amount of things he has put not just ME but also OUR SON through are… appalling. (To say the least.) I might just write a book about this too, as he has caused a lot of negativity in my life for the last (almost) 15 years.

The two of them are narcissistic and selfish. Both are eerily similar and it makes me angry that I have to ever deal with the latter.

I’ve cut my father out of my life. But he continues to enter my life in the worst ways and I just can’t seem to get away from him. I cannot (for the good of my child) fully cut his father from my life. I’ve tried several times when him and his wife have hurt my son (and myself) in various different ways.

My oldest is an amazing child (my middle and youngest are too but they aren’t who I’m talking about today). He’s funny and smart and caring and yet his father has pushed him aside and treated him like shit his entire life. (Actually he treated our son like shit BEFORE he was even born but this isn’t my point.)

Our son has been through a lot in his short 12 years & a lot of his shit has stemmed from his fathers abusive behavior.

I’m sure I’ll get a text saying “the post you wrote about me is bullshit and hurtful” but I don’t care. Because I need somewhere to vent and I also want other parents dealing with selfish exes to know they are not alone.

I don’t want this anger. I don’t want this animosity. I don’t want the anxiety I wake up to every damn day due to him and his wife.

I want things to be peaceful. I want things to be okay between all of us. But I’m 30. And I’m so tired.

I’m tired of being made out to be the bad guy even though I’ve done everything for this child for twelve years. I’m tired of the judgement from people who don’t actually know me. I’m tired of watching my son be chosen last because his father has issues with me.

His father has continuously picked a child that is NOT related to him over our son and I’m sick of seeing the torment he’s putting our child through.

I’m sick of the bullshit. The endless the bullshit.

I’m sick of hearing from other people that him AND HIS WIFE call me a “bad mom”. Because this person chooses NOT to do anything for our son.

I’m sick of missed child support payments because he wants to punish ME.

I’m sick and tired of feeling guilty for fighting with these people over the shit they’ve done to our child.

I’m sick of the drama that stems from me sticking up for a poor 12 year old boy that can’t defend himself the way he should be able to.

I am sick of the anxiety that eats away at me while I sit patiently and wait for them to attack a 12 year old child and myself.

And I must add that I don’t care about how they view me it’s how they view A CHILD that makes me sick.

Just because you hate me, doesn’t mean you should treat A CHILD like shit. It doesn’t mean you can punish HIM.

I seem like I’m just being a petty negative bitch. I get that. But I want people, NO, I WANT PARENTS to know that this is NOT okay. And to please (I BEG OF YOU) not use your children as weapons. It’s not fair to them. It’s not.

I’m NOT claiming to be a saint in this situation. I’ve said my fair share of bad things. But I only said them in defense of my child.

I just wish that these two knew that at the end of the day, the way they treat our child is ONLY hurting him.

Yes, I am pissed at how they treat me (because THEY SHOULD DO BETTER instead of claiming to be better people than me) but I am MORE pissed at how they treat our child.

I don’t want this hurt anymore. I don’t want this anger. I’m making this post to vent. To help myself heal from the years of narcissistic abuse I’ve suffered. I’m not making this post to be petty. I’m just tired. And I want other parents and children in these same situations to know, that they aren’t alone.

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