I recently had a woman contact me through my contact page asking me what to do about her sexless marriage and I’ve come to realize that I really need to make a post on how much sex you should be having.
Here’s her question;
I hope this is where I go to ask something like this… but I’m afraid my husband and I are about to divorce. We only have sex once every couple months. I’m just so tired. All we do is argue. We have two boys age 8 & 10 and we both work outside the home. We haven’t been on a date since our boys were born. I still love him and I want to get back to where we were when the boys were younger.
Upon questioning her, I found out that they began to grow apart around the time they stopped having sex. When their youngest was hospitalized with the flu, five years ago.
That means for five years they’ve been having sex around 6 times a year.
I dug deeper and asked Tammy how much they were having sex before then, she said it had been almost daily. I asked her if the amount they are having sex now bothers her. She said yes. I asked the same about her husband and she said she had no idea. I then asked if she had even brought this up to him. She told me no.
I’m going to share the advice I gave her, with all of you because I think there’s a lot of people believe that there is some magical number of times they should be having sex.
The first problem I see with Tammy’s issue is that she hasn’t even tried to discuss this issue with her husband. You can’t really figure things out if you haven’t sat down and had a real conversation with your partner. As I and countless others have said, communication is key. I really think Tammy needs to sit down and talk with her husband about this. She needs to tell him what’s bothering her and ask him if it’s bothering him as well.
The other problem is, she asked me how many times they should be having sex per year and I don’t have a number because there is no set number of times someone should be having sex with their partner. If you both are happy having sex once a day or once a week or once a month, that’s all that matters. If one of you is unhappy with the amount then that’s a conversation you need to have together and come to the number that you both agree is healthy and fits your relationship.
I fully believe no one should focus on or base their relationship on the number of times they have sex per year unless it really is bothersome. But if it’s to the point that you’re thinking of divorce, it’s definitely time to sit down with your partner and figure some things out. Because there could be another underlying problem that neither of you are actually bringing up.
Am I sex therapist? No. And I don’t claim to be. Any advice I give is purely my own from what I’ve learned over the course of my sexual life, and I highly suggest that if it’s to the point of divorce, you seek professional help. Either from a licensed sex therapist or even just a licensed marriage counselor.
Tammy, I hope that my advice has helped you to understand that 6 times a year doesn’t mean good or bad, but that maybe there’s something else going on here that’s not on the surface. I hope you take my advice to sit down with your husband and maybe seek out some professional help. And I hope it all works out for you in the end.
*Note, “Tammy” is not her real name, but she asked me to call her this as I wanted to share this on my blog. So thank you for allowing me to share your story here. I appreciate it.
If you’d like advice on something, feel free to contact me, I love helping people in any way I can.